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Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Fear of Love and Denial

I hear and read a lot about finding the perfect mate and settling. This is an issue that has become more prominent in years of late, as women have become more independent and self sufficient. Many women don’t need a man to take care of them financially anymore, which it unfortunately, appears to takes away a large role that men used to fulfill in the scheme of things…according to these women. It also appears, that many heterosexual women, that have not gotten married or are unable to sustain a marriage, and the time clock is steadily ticking away in the biological sense, and want to have children are turning to sperm donors, so they can have the children they desire, without having to commit to a man and a relationship.

Apparently, because of this fact, according to opinions the I have read in several articles and forums, written by women, many women believe that the only thing men are useful for, to women now, is for above all, money and sex, and they only want them around for those purposes, unless of course, those women are lonely, pitiful, ugly, going no where, low-self esteem, useless women, who need a man to make them whole.

I find this funny, because I view these women that are writing these articles, in much the same way as I do the men, who uphold this same manly clich√©, and appear to think in the same mindset, bopping around from one relationship to the other, one sex partner to the other, breaking one heart after the other, with no intention, or belief, that they will ever stay with one partner…till death do us part. I find it amusing, that they all seem to have totally and completely convinced themselves, that this is the way they want things…and are totally happy. I personally don't believe that. I believe this behavior stems from low self esteem and fear, instead of the other way around. It's a big red flag for me when I encounter people with this mindset. I certainly wouldn't want to get my heart wrapped around them in any way, so the choice is not theirs. The only thing I believe they are right about is, it is only those people who are lonely, pitiful, ugly, going no where, low-self esteem, useless people, who need someone to make them whole, that would have any sort of attraction for a person with that mindset.


Many people that are not having their needs met will turn to all sorts of addictions and illnesses, in a desperate attempt to have their needs fulfilled, or to run from them. Many illnesses stem from the fact that those needs are not being, or haven’t been met in the past, and some stem from our unconscious need for attention. You can’t run from it, your unconscious mind will work very hard at upholding its job of seeing that your needs are met, even if it has to scream at you in unconventional ways, as an attempt to get your attention, and the attention of others.


Some men and women have constructed this neat little list of the things that make up their soul mate, and then scour the internet and bars, along with many other places, in search of the person that fits the bill, only to discover that they have some little trait that they consider to be…the ultimate “deal breaker”. The fact that they have chosen not to acknowledge, however, is that there is going to always be something that every other person on this planet does, that you don’t care for, and if you are looking, and search hard enough, and deep enough, you will find it. If you can’t, then your mind has a way of skewing some other trait or feature around enough, so that you can fulfill this self-sabotaging prophecy; most of the time without ever even knowing or realizing what you are up to.


Romantic Love, is described by anthropologist Helen Fisher in "The New Psychology of Love." Like thirst and the need for warmth, it can rarely be extinguished until satisfied and is stronger than the sex drive or maternal instinct (which can often be redirected). "Few people whose sexual advances are rejected kill themselves or someone else, whereas rejected lovers in cultures around the world commit suicide or homicide."

Studies have supported the theory that it is critical that people develop close, committed relationships with other people. The article I wrote “The Secret Seducers , (and there will be many more forthcoming), is just one example, that men and women need each other for their physical health, not to mention psychological health.


This is not to say that you should base your desire to be with someone out of need or desperation. Needing one particular person is not healthy or attractive either, and is also based out of low self-esteem, and is not love by any means. It is true that in order to love another, you must first love and be secure with yourself. Convincing yourself that you don’t want a committed partner and lover, is not, in my opinion, a demonstration of those traits. Those beliefs are based on fear of rejection, abandonment, and avoiding the pain of being hurt. Obviously, we all hate pain and have that fear, if we have ever been hurt and rejected, and all of us have.


If you self-sabotage every intimate relationship that you enter into, or worse yet, don’t enter into one at all, then you convince yourself that you feel safe and secure, and gives you more ammunition for upholding this belief. And of course, you have to justify and convince yourself of this concept, so equipped with your ammunition; you busy yourself coming up with excuses for behaving this way. You satisfy yourself, by telling the world around you, that you like being able to have the freedom of doing whatever you want, and pursuing your own interests without having to answer to another human being, and deny to yourself, that if you had a healthy sense of self-esteem and personal boundaries…this is not something that you would lose. This is just one example, of many.


In my opinion, facing your fears and insecurities by being able to open your heart, fully and completely, to both give and receive love, is one of the grandest gestures of a healthy self-esteem.


DENIAL:

Don’t even know I am lying.




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3 Love note(s):

timethief said...

This post was very thoughtful and well written. It contained observations that I can confirm from my own life too. Like you I believe those who you have described so well are deluding themselves. It's truly sad that they don't know that neither a partner nor a child can complete them. Thanks for writing this post. It's a good one and I'm stumbling it.
Best wishes for happy blogging :)

jccleofe said...

Hi, I just want you to know that this blog will be featured on Sunday, July 13 @ http://jccleofe.blogspot.com . Look for Blog Feast post. Have a good one.

searchingwithin said...

Thank you jccleofe for the feature.

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