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Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Close The Door Behind You

I was talking to my “magnificent other” this morning and we were getting ready to say our good-byes when all of a sudden we got cut off. I know we were getting ready to say good-bye, but we hadn’t actually said it, so I called him back. “What happened?!”, was his immediate response. He said, he was thinking that possibly I thought he had said good-bye, but he hadn’t yet. My response was that I had no idea, but that even though I knew we had reached that point, I felt like I was hanging out in space somewhere, and I had to call back to get my good-byes. We laughed because we both felt like there was something missing that we needed.

The incident caused me to ponder on the way that some men will break off a relationship by attempted to gradually pull back and drift into “never, never land”. As if the woman doesn’t see, or more accurately feel what is happening. Normally this will send her into a stream of emotional responses, usually starting with trying to twist and turn herself inside and out, in a futile attempt at trying to please him, and pull him back in, which, by the way, only sends him sailing in the opposite direction. But that is for another article.

The point I am trying to make here is, for one, that doing this, in most cases, only causes the woman to behave in the most horrendous of ways, and your attempt to avoid conflict only compounds the conflict. So be a man, and do the right thing here guys.

Two, one of the reasons that she behaves that way, is due to the fact she feels like she is hanging out in space somewhere, and that something is missing. It’s called closure. Without closure there is a feeling of tension that is looking for a release, and unfortunately, sometimes we have a way of creating a bigger tension, in an attempt to release the original one.

Closure happens when something is completed, and it a literal event that allows the tension to be released. It is a point of commitment, and the story has reached an end.

And it isn't just the man who plays this game. Women do it too, but men are the most typically stereotyped for doing this. So even though this article refers to the men, it is directed at both sexes.

When someone passes away we have a funeral for them. It’s not for the dead, but for the living, because we need to have closure. I know it may sound morbid, but I personally do not like when there is only a picture of the person, and not an open casket. The reason is…belief and acceptance. Even though in my mind I know that the person has passed away, my heart needs proof.

If you have been in a love relationship and things have come to a point where you want to end it and move on, hopefully after a lot of mature and healthy communication, you still love, or loved this person, even if there was a lot of emotionally driven anger, along with a whole list of other emotions mixed in leading up to the final end, they deserve the respect of being given closure.

Hoping to camouflage yourself by drifting into the background comes from low self-esteem of not being man enough to face the woman with your decision, which certainly means you, more than likely, you weren’t man enough to have had the mature and healthy communication mentioned earlier. Also, closed doors are hard to re-open, in most cases.

It also comes from the low self-esteem of wanting to leave the woman hanging out in space without totally closing the door, just in… Just in case you get lonely, just in case you aren’t totally sure you are ready to end it, and want to leave yourself open to pull back in. Just in…

Just in case you are the real man that you try so desperately to show the world that you are, muster up the confidence and strength of that man, and give both you and her, closure.

Allow the other person the dignity of closing the door on the past, so that they can move on, and choose the next door into their future. Every person deserves that. And ladies, allow that closure to happen, close that door, and discover the one that has just opened for you.

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