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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The "Other Woman" - Do Your Really Want To Be Her?

other womanAdultery, infidelity, cheating, unfaithful; all words to describe an affair, either emotionally, or sexually when one or both participating parties are married, or even in a committed relationship.

There are several reasons why a woman would be attracted to a committed man. The fact that this man is wanted, subconsciously through the effect of “confirmation bias”, in and of itself, makes him appear to have more value. He has a home and a family, something that you may be looking for, causes you to believe that he is willing to go in that direction, and supply a woman with those things. Through the mask of his lies and insecurities, he says and does all the right things to make you believe that you are special, something that we all crave, and long for. Some woman just hunt for the power and superiority, they feel they are achieving, by being with another woman’s man.

Food for thought for the "other woman"

Before you fall head over heals into the dark recesses of lust and deception, you might want to consider a few things.

Cheaters, liars and thieves, of which cheaters are, and both of you are cheaters, whether you are the so called committed party or not, are not very attractive qualities to possess.

Neither you nor this man are capable of a true and valuable commitment, or neither of you would be drawn to each other to begin with. Both women and men continually play out the broken record of pursuing what they believe subconsciously that they deserve, or don’t deserve. The proverbial woman always attracted to same ol’ “bad boy” over and over again, and always ending up hurt in the end.

It shows that you think so little of yourself, and have so little self-respect for yourself, that you are willing to settle for whatever scraps that are thrown your way, and stick yourself in a position that will never allow you to love, or be truly loved, and will not allow you to grow.

He may tell you that no other woman has ever made him feel the way that you do, and any other concocted con line he can come up with, but he is not going to commit to a future with you. Eighty percent of the men that cheat, do not leave their significant other for the person that they have been cheating with, and out of the measly 20% that do, most of them were kicked out by the wives, and did not leave willingly. Not to mention, out of those measly 20%, 95% of all marriages that do start out with the, deceptive foundation of adultery, do not survive. Not very good odds, especially when you think of all the relationships that fall apart, even when they do start off well. Oh yeah, and 80% of the people who get divorced, regret it later, and you can bet that it’s not the one who was cheated on, who is part of that 80%.

All relationships go through their rocky times. It is impossible for two people to come together, live together, share their lives together, to be blissfully happy with their lives and each other, 100% of the time. That is a fantasy that only a fool would believe. This man has already proved, without a shadow of a doubt, that when the times get tough, he gets going, by running for the easiest route available. Rather than sticking it out, and learning to communicate with his wife effectively, expressing his needs that are not being fulfilled to his expectations, he runs to a woman that is just as insecure as he is, and thinks so little of herself, that she will listen to, and believe whatever she needs to hear, to join in his revenge. What he will do with you, he will do to you.

It must be hard living in the wife’s shadow, lurking around like a snake in all the dark corners. Never being able to show the world how much you supposedly love each other. It must be hard never being able to sit at the prominent position next to the man at the head of the table. Never being able to feel the pride and radiant glow of being with someone proud to be with you, and show you off to all his friends, family, and associates. His significant other is helping to fuel his positive public image, while you sit on the sidelines waiting to supply him with everything he believes he lacks, allowing him to have his “cake and eat it too,” never being the one to be a starting player, in his game of cat and mouse.

How appealing and attractive, to a good man observing on the side that might otherwise see you worthy, do you think you are? Only showing him that you care so little for yourself, you are willing to take the scraps of leftover time, affection, and attention, as opposed showing that you are worthy of taking the prominent position of someone who, is willing to place you first above all others, in his life.

How attractive is this man that is so cowardly, and shows so little respect for himself and his significant other that, if he feels he has done everything in his manly power to be a part of a loving and supporting relationship and has failed, doesn’t have the courage to risk leaving himself out in the cold, without a warm body willing be waiting on the sidelines (plan B), and end the relationship he is in, before going on the prowl. All the while whining and playing the part of the wounded, defenseless victim, of the evil witch that he goes home to, and sleeps next to each night.

Have you truly convinced yourself that he has respect for you? The very woman that is such a fool, and can be so easily fooled, to find this sniveling, deceitful, unfaithful failure, as someone who can bring value to her life, and is willing to settle for him, and this blemished relationship? The very accomplice, who has willingly participated in his betrayal of someone, and his children (if he has any); helping him break his vows, and destroying any chance of his children, looking up to him, and seeing him as a role model, with any integrity and dignity.

Guilt is hard for every person to deal with. People who are deceitful to others and themselves, have an even harder time dealing with guilt, and it is human nature to want to blame others, rather than to take a hard look at ourselves, and our shortcomings. So who do you think he’s going to blame when he gets caught, or is lying next to his wife on a sleepless night, riddled in his own shame and guilt?

Just thought I might give you something to think about, as this New Year rings in another reminder of our biological clocks that keep ticking. On this night that is famously known for reminding us of all our past successes and failures, and prompting us to look forward to a new life, on a new day, in a New Year, fresh with new resolutions.

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7 Love note(s):

Shadow said...

well written!

Soul Mates 95 said...

very well written though very hard to read at times. My heart is still very very heavy over what happened to me. (I'm the wife) It's so hard to believe someone could do this to another human being. It's like a knife directly into the heart and stirring in a little salt and lemon juice. It hurts more than I can describe.

searchingwithin said...

Soul Mates 95,

You both are working on your relationship, and from what I have read on your blog, your husband is very remorseful. Although your relationship will never be what it once was, there is no reason why it will not transform into something so very much better than ever once could have been.

As far as the other woman, believe it or not, many times they see YOU as the other woman, standing in their way, and keeping them from having what they want.

~Best Wishes~

Jessa Bellesaid...

Interesting article! A couple of thoughts from my perspective:
I'm an escort and 90% of my clients are married. They come to me because the wife doesn't provide them enough sex (if any at all!) or she won't do (or he is ashamed to ask her to do) the kinky things he wants. So wife, if you want to keep your man (and the money he spends on girls like me), have sex with him--not just when you want it, but whenever and however HE wants it. If you don't, somebody else will. Guaranteed.
And to The Other Woman I would say, honey, all you are to him is a booty call. You're not in competition with his wife--you're in competition with me. For what I do, I earn a very good living, but for what you do, the only thing you get is older.

searchingwithin said...

Jessa Belle,

I am so sorry to hear about the profession that you have chosen for yourself. Thank goodness you are not being paid for your thoughts, or your brain, because neither is not one of your strong points...believe me.

I have no doubt that 90% of the men that use his family's money to pay you to do what he has no balls to ask for at home, are married.

You are right to suggest that if a woman wants to keep her man in her bed alone, that she needs to take care of his needs, whatever they may be, or he will go looking elsewhere. We all have needs in a relationship, that our partners should do their best to supply. That is part of what the partnership is all about, and you should not enter into it to begin with, if you are unable, or unwilling to do that.

However, it is also your responsibility to have enough self-esteem to relay and communicate what those needs are, and if you don't, than you only have yourself to blame, and again, you should not enter into a relationship/partnership, where you do not feel comfortable enough to be yourself, and express yourself, the way you need to. In both cases, you should have walked away before the marriage, but even after, if you made the mistake of entering into it, without making sure the other party could give you what you need, and let that person find someone who could. Anything else, is down right selfish.

You are right, there will always be someone else who will give him what he wants. There always will be women like you that get paid well to give it to him, with his family's money.

I am so glad to hear that you earn very good money, I hope you use some of it to buy you a soul.

The Other Woman said...

Well written article. I don't see myself as you've portrayed "the other woman" to be, but then again, we are all entitled to our own opinion. I will say that it can be a lonely life and would not recommend that people get involved with a married man. But I also know that no one is perfect and that I never thought I'd be where I'm at today. Yes, I made choices that now I look back and think I would have chosen differently (had I known where I'd be today). But the truth is that I didn't know what my future would bring and thought I was making the best choices at the time for my situation.

I take responsibility for staying in my current relationship now, however. I would agree with you that being the other woman is not a place where most women would want to be. But I would also add that it's easy to judge people and cite statistics about affairs yet it is something else to really walk in another's shoes and understand.

searchingwithin said...

The Other Woman,

To be quite honest with you, I have been on both ends of the stick, and neither one of them feels very good.

When I left my ex-husband I had an affair. It was one of the worst mistakes I have ever made in my life, and I am still paying for it, in a manner of speaking. Possibly one of the major reasons that I judge so harshly.

I have also been on the other end, and I know the humiliation and debilitating pain, among a whole list of other, not so glamorous, emotions, that you go through.

We all go through denial (Don't Even kNow I Am Lying), and our ego-defense mechanisms take over, when we don't want to see, or face, what we know in our hearts to be true.

~Best Wishes~

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