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Wednesday, May 6, 2009

The Casual Sex Debate - Couldn't Help But Add My Two Cents

Honey over at Lance and Honey, and Hammertime are having a difference of opinion regarding the topic of casual sex. This all began over an article written by Hammertime, where he wrote about, how after working the room, and encountering several flops, apparently, in his game and technique, finally found a pathetic, drunk female, and they had a quickie, in the bathroom, and then went on their separate ways. Mission accomplished (although, not quite accomplished well). Then Hammertime wrote another article about one of his textcalation booty calls.

Most people in their 20's and older, and in many cases much, much younger, have experienced casual sex in varying degrees, and we all have our reasons. I am no exception. However, in my opinion, it all boils down to validation of one sort or another.

In this particular scenario, in my opinion, the woman needed both male attention and a man’s approval. Even though, which she probably never noticed, she was way down on his list of conquests, but at least he still noticed her, eventually, and at least she made the cut, and at least he thought enough of her to bang her in the bathroom. He even bragged to her friend that he would be done using her finished with her within fifteen minutes. Not something I would be bragging to a woman about, if I were a man, but…to each their own.

Hammer’s validation, in my opinion, came from driving his rod home and making another score, which makes him feel more masculine; especially when he gets to brag about his drunken conquest with his coach, and his buddies, both in real life and the bloggersphere.

Now I know that many men, and the feminists would all like to convince us that we are all sexual beings with sexual needs, which we are, and that if women are horny, or just in the need of a warm body, we should be able to satisfy those needs anyway we see fit, and with whomever we see fit, and not have be looked upon as a “loosie goosie”, and if you feel otherwise, you must fall into the Bible thumping category, which I am nowhere close to being, by the way. I'm not arguing this fact, except for the whomever we see fit.

Let’s face it, everyone puts someone into one category or another, and as much as women, understandably, do not want to be viewed as an object, and they don’t like being put into the slut category, while a man displaying the same exact behavior, gets put into another more glamorous category, at least by some men, the fact still remains they are going to be, by many, if they make a habit of engaging in casual sex. Hey, if you don’t believe me, read more of Hammertime’s blog, he loves to carry on about his liberal sexual views; fuck you, and then talk about, and degrade you afterwards. Just think what a quality guy is thinking.

Oh, and for the record, even if you don’t…don’t think for one minute that he’s going to believe you when you tell him “that you don’t do this all the time”. I read enough men’s blogs, and have discussed with, as well as overheard from enough men, both the good ones, and the sleazy ones on this topic…they don’t believe you!


But that’s right, according to Hammertime, we shouldn’t care what others think, which we all do to varying degrees, by the way. It is a human need, to feel accepted. He himself has proved through talking out both sides of his mouth, and accusing Honey of being judgmental that he cares what others think. It all just depends on what it is you are trying to prove to yourself, and others.

For example, I found it extremely amusing that Hammer referred to Honey as being judgmental, after in his article(s) he made such statements as:

“There was this three set of two cute girls and one chubbo”

“her face looks like she’s done some meth or was a heavy smoker, her body wasn’t as tight as I thought”

“I stay in and continue talking to the fat friend”

“the other hot one, a smokin’ brunette girl who I decided afterward was actually hotter than the blond anyway”

“although she had a really unfeminine walk which was turning me off a little”

“This girl is a fucking horrible kisser. Maybe the worst kisser I have ever kissed. She opens her mouth as wide as possible like T-Rex style like she’s trying to eat my face. She also has garlicky breath, which is turning me off big time, and ends up being a major factor later when I’m fucking her.”

“we can tell that she’s definitely DTF” (which means “down to fuck”, just in case you didn’t know).

“Now even though I’m trying to fuck her, I’m actually really not turned on by her because of the shitty kissing and bad breath and I end up not really getting very hard”

“I sit on the toilet and she starts giving me head. She’s actually not bad at it, even though most girls fucking suck at it”

“BTW the Day 2 didn’t end up happening, who knows why. My guess is that the sex was not good so she didn’t want to try it again, although I blame her (and the size of the stall) for that.But yet he also states in another article, “I also want her to know what she’s giving up by being with me. I don’t want there to be doubt in her mind that I am the best there is. I want her to compare me to every other guy she’s ever been with, because I am confident that I can stack up against the best of them.”

There is something wrong with someone who is a virgin at 22 by choice. Everyone has sexual desires, and if one is a virgin at 22 by choice, he is masochistic and has no sense of independence. He cares way too much about what other people think”

“It doesn’t matter what the irrational excuse is for why she hasn’t had sex yet at 22. The fact that she hasn’t had sex already tells me that she has unhealthy views about sex. It’s too big a deal to her.”

I understand that you needed someone to be your first in a safe and comfortable way or whatever, but don’t judge me for not wanting to be that guy.”

“She bites, I’ve framed her as the girl who goes to church on Sunday after letting the football team run a train on her Saturday night.”

Hmm? But, he also states in his script(s) he has memorized to spiel off to these women, which slithers like a snake into their subconscious minds, “that he doesn’t judge.” Oookeee dookee.

Honey’s standards are that she doesn’t want to sleep with a man that she can’t have an intellectual conversation with. His on the other hand are that he will sleep with anyone who will let him. Unless, of course you are a virgin, in which case, you are required to go get your job experience elsewhere before he will give you the privilege of ramming you in the bathroom stall, and if you want anything more by way of a so called relationship, you will at least pretend that you like to swallow his cum (like a good girl), as well as participate in anal, threesome, etc., etc., etc.

I just thought of something. If you (Hammer) had taken your shitty kissing, garlic breath, with the unfeminine walk, drunk girl into the women’s bathroom instead of the mens, you might have had the luck of some other DTF (see Hammer's "non-judgmental" comments quoted above) girl walking in, getting turned on, and joining you! Oh, but that’s right, the stall was too small already to hold you, her, your dick, and most especially, your ego to begin with, thereby hindering your performance.

Based on our own perceptions, beliefs, and emotions we are always in constant judgment of everything around us. And I am certainly being judgmental of this particular topic. The reason being, I judge myself first.

I had my casual sex days, most recently with an ex that I wanted back, but I was always looking for something other than the “fun” of sex, even though I may not have wanted to admit it to myself or others. Always! I was always looking for at least the feeling of being loved, or wanted, and appreciated. And I always came up short, and was left with regrets! Always!

I’m just as fond of an orgasm as the next person, and even more so, the journey getting there. There is nothing better on this Earth than being wrapped up in the arms of a man who loves and respects you, and making love to each other in all kinds of ways, positions, and styles. There’s nothing like the taste, feel, smell, sound, and site of the man you love. And once you have been there, in my opinion, anything else is just lacking. It may still get you to the same place, but the journey along the way is boring, and unfulfilling. Why take the hot, smelly bus, when you really want to fly first class.

And I certainly don’t want to stick a popsicle in my mouth, or anywhere else for that matter, that has been passed around the entire playground being handled, licked, sucked, dunked into, and only god knows what, by hands, lips, tongues, etc., that have been no telling where, before it got to me…although, I don’t mind so much if it has passed through a few hands that were nicely washed and well taken care of.

So, now that I have learned to value myself, not only as a person, but as a woman, as well as valuing my body and the joy it can bring to both myself and others, I can take pride in me and my body. Since I am valuable to me, I expect to both receive and give back value and respect, in all my relationships. Spreading my legs in a bathroom stall, or some stale motel room; booty call; revenge sex; one-night stand; three-somes, fuck buddy; someone who's name I don't even know; someone else's man; or an ex…just doesn’t do it for me.

In this day and time, it’s easy to get someone to sleep with you, for both men and women, and there is no validation in that.

But then, our values and beliefs are always changing and evolving. It wasn’t all that long ago, I wouldn’t have gotten married again no matter how wonderful a man was, and even if someone handed me a million dollar check to do so, for instance. Now, if a man doesn’t think I’m worth sharing their name with me, and declare to the World that I am the woman they want to spend the rest of your life with, and they are not committed to that, and dedicated to working with me so the relationship works out well, and is healthy for them, me, and us, then I refuse to give too big of a piece of my heart, and I expect the same from them.

You go Hammertime, drive that nail home! BAM BAM, no thank you man. I personally consider a loose man just as unattractive, as a loose woman. But then, I neither am, nor do I want to be…”one of the boys”, or “hang with the best of ‘em.” I am not out to prove that I can be just as good a man male as you are.

I once thought that I could do anything a man could do, and should be looked upon in exactly the same light as them, and set out to prove just that. But I have come to realize, that belief stemmed from the fact that I did not respect masculinity, nor did I respect femininity, and their differences. Nor did I relish in the fact that through those differences, they are equally as good and valuable. As a result, I never embraced my feminine grace, or appreciated its beauty. All of which, always left me feeling unfulfilled, unsatisfied, and lacking something, which I never could quite put my finger on…until I started looking, and gradually discovering it.

I am no saint, and I sometimes I do fall below my own standards and expectations, not God’s and not society’s. I am human after all. Sometimes I stay out and drink more than I know I will feel comfortable with the next morning, spend money when I know I shouldn’t, as well as other things, so there may come a day when I will fall short of my own standards and expectations in the casual sex category once again, but the chances are getting slimmer, and…I will hate myself in the morning. Always!

Part two: What's Emotional Maturity, Needs and Denial Got To Do With It?
Related article: Sex: So Simple Yet So Complicated

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19 Love note(s):

Loving Annie said...

You said it so well about all of this that I have nothing to add. You are smart.

Susan said...

Oh, I so get your point. Love it.

Shadow said...

this debate will never end. most everyone's had casual sex, boys and girls alike, some are good, some are bad, the reasons vary. but an ideal, never!

casualencounters.com/blog said...

tl;dr

Though what I did read amounted to "Hammer is a jerkoff" (which I agree with) and "casual sex can make you hate yourself" (which I also, ironically, agree with.)

I think it all comes down to emotional maturity and expectations.

I'll just leave that out there.

searchingwithin said...

casualencounters,

You can spout off "emotional maturity, as one of your sales lines for what it is you are selling, but I don't associate "emotional maturity", with casual sex, by any stretch of the imagination. DENIAL, yes, emotional maturity, no.

As far as expectations. All parties involved have their individual expectations when choosing to engage in casual sex, but I guarantee you, one of you is walking away with unfulfilled expectations.

casualencountersblog said...

Those are some comically impressive assumptions you're making about any number of people with whom you are not familiar.

searchingwithin said...

It appears that we both find each other comical. At least we agree on one thing. As far as the rest, we will have to agree to disagree.

dadshouse said...

I don't think it's always about validation. I had a casual one-night stand recently that was fueled simply by sexual desire. I also has a friend with benefits for more than a year. I'm older, and done having kids. She's younger, and wants to be a mom someday. Our relationship was fueled by great sex.

Tantric sex is not about validation. ( http://dadshouseblog.com/2009/02/18/tantric-breathing-exercise/ ) It's about two spirits entwining. So I guess the intent of the sex makes all the difference. Maybe for Hammertime, it was all about validation. I'm just saying that's not true for everyone.

mia said...

This is the most honest and illuminating {for
myself} prose/essay I have read on a blog.
Thank you for seducing me to think. The difference between the sexes is the ultimate
joy. I enjoy when my partner is completely
different from me, including in looks.

casualencounters.com/blog said...

I don't find you comical. I find your assumptions comical. I don't know you well enough to find you anything very much at all, yet. But who knows, that may change if I hang around long enough.

Specifically, my issues are with these two statements: "but I guarantee you, one of you is walking away with unfulfilled expectations" and "I don't associate "emotional maturity", with casual sex, by any stretch of the imagination. DENIAL, yes"

How can you possibly know either of those things to be true? It's beyond ridiculous; it's logically incoherent. Ergo, comical.

Have a great day.

searchingwithin said...

The Casual Sex Debate Continues

Susan Walsh said...

This is an excellent piece on casual sex. Honest and forthright. That's all any of us can ask for!

Brad K. said...

searchingwithin,

I think the debate on casual sex is going to be tough to answer, when the discussion sticks to what one feels.

Where one person thinks that "emotion" is what you feel during an intimate encounter, another might call that excitement, and think of emotions as the contented enjoyment of a shared life.

I have begun to separate sexually active people into "perpetual daters" and "life mates". I think most states in between are transitions, in movement toward one or the other. Mates live in a home, with family about them, they respect and depend on each other to sustain themselves. Perpetual daters don't have a goal beyond getting laid - either once each, or on a long-term date, with no plans for anything more culturally significant.

I think of the home as the basic unit of culture. A home is where the values and traditions that you decide upon hold true. It makes sense to select a mate interested in expressing similar values and beliefs. The home exists within the community, interoperating with churches and businesses and schools and community functions. Losing someone from the home is devastating.

The biggest problem is the fashion industry, the romance media industries, beer ads, car ads, etc. keep creating niches - for sexual display and casual exploitation.

My answer for the Casual Sex Debate is simple. Don't confuse building a family, picking a life mate, with engaging in sex. There is plenty of room in the world for casual encounters - just think how droll the Kennedy's live would be, how many fewer music names would be drawn to the big time, without free and easy sex.

Building a home is like taking a job, instead of begging for a treat or looking for a handout.

And I agree about being concerned about how many times the popsicle has been passed around.

Anonymoussaid...

Men get stud status for bedding hot women because it is an accomplishment. It is no major accomplishment for a hot women to bed heaps of guys. It is an accomplishment if she resists the temptation. And to hide from the constant barage of male pursuers she runs to lock herself away in marriage for protection. But the barage won't stop and in a weak moment she begins an affair. Eventually she frees herself in divorce.

xknightlightx said...

I have many things to say -.- (I have to send two messages for my complete or almost complete explanation) (this is the first part)first i think that one of the reasons people dont accept things like casual sex and when kids are sort of having their dads or moms replaced ... they say "NO!!!!!!" they're right about something... i suppose it's called intuition.. nowi tried to deciphering these kinds of things and one of the things i found out( in this case about casual sex)is that casual sex is bad and at times it is wrong..

it's bad because by accepting it and even promoting it and telling others you think it's right or it feels right and such.. everyone else will want the same thign cuz it's just so much easier to have sex and not think about the seriousness of the relationship.. but i dont always beleive in doing what is easier over what's right and meaningful

it becomes wrong (many could be tempted to do it for wrong reasons) when you know the bad things that could happen or if you have too much control over sexual situations and such
by accepting casual sex there is a type of strength... a type of will that we also let go when it comes to sex, and the more sex u have the less meaningful it cud be and should be (depending on your memory and some other stuff)

also this type of will is one based on putting strength into who we are and what we do so that nothing (or try to make nothing) can tempt us and so that when people see us they will know that not everyone is letting go of true love (for eternity or a lifetime.. eternity makes it more meaningful at least.. especially if u can plan out a relationship for eternity:p --there is a way to plan it out :p) they will know that we dont have to give up virginity to just anyone for any reason but for someone who became a great part of you (so great, it's like a part of you dies without that person.. it's not fair to go through that but it happens for many types of reasons..)(one of the reasons reason for marriage is cuz they are a part of you tho) .. and even if that person is dead... you dont need to give up and have sex/ fall in love with someone else.. you dont have to be afraid to be alone and besides.. people can always make friends and if someone tempts you to have sex with them when u are widowed or single.. you can still reject them, becuz the heart is in controll.. not your sexual organ.

...i have felt it before... there was a girl who tempted me before to have sex with her, but the thought of cheating on my gf might have turned me on a bit but my heart and stomach felt sick becuz i wud never want to make the relationship meaningless and no matter what happens, who she was to me in my heart , is the way i'll always see her. and i wont forget, i dont need to,

xknightlightx said...

(part two )if my gf wasnt around there is something called masturbation...when you get relieved ...then you do whatever u need to do. because you "scratched the itch"
casual sex is also a way of going with the flow...only dead bodies go with the flow..(...i forgot who said that..)

it is also a way a of not seeing the good things that real strong ( and if not life-long then eternal) relationships have ... and not knowing or understanding why it is worth fighting for...
like with all heroes... people who knew they were going to feel pain or die or lose everything.. there must have been those who know that there are good thigns and they are fighting for..

goodness , in anything we do... is based on our love, respect, appreciation, faith(beleiving in good things), and for good things and the beauty of good things... and love is a type of connection in relationshiops.. casual sex requires to have as little or none of it as possible unless it helps you get ur horniness going... anyway i hope i can explain all the reasosn why im against casual sex.. unless of course maybe it;s part of a tatic to catch a bad guy (and ur love or dreams are not really broken or sumtin) or if u're reallly in love and so is ur gf and i dunno like her parents are psycho over protective dummies -.- lol

also i know that people are different like some girl might have a brain that doesnt let her be in controll of herself sexually .. or i dunno.. but i do know that most of us have the power to let our hearts be in control...

also most people dont seem to really know about true love enough .. i mean love.. there is so much mroe to it and in relationships.. if you really want true love.. you have to find out about it.. try to understand it, try and neverr stop tryingto see how it is strong how it is weak how you can protect it...how you and the other is making it weak and stronger and never stop to make it meaningful... and if someone loves you or like you .. they could listen... you can use what you know to show them the way

... also there is one more thign i have to add. reincarnation exists.. who your gf is of bf is probably is not the same person u were with in the previous life time.. i myself am worried, even if i dont remember, i dont beleive in letting go, without meaningfulness, we might as well have sex with whoever but thats not what im about... the person you're meant to be with might be someone you sense it is honestly i dont know how it cud be handled.. someone told me that true love.. the kind that lasts for all lifetimes.. starts with prayer.. :/

anyway .. i hope you guys spread the word about this:p

xknightlightx said...

um here is a correction to the 4rth part of my second message... i made a few word mistakes >_>


"goodness , in anything we do... is based on our love, respect, appreciation, faith(the believing in good things), [took off the word and here]for good things and [added "for the love"] for the love of the beauty of good things... and love is a type of connection in relationships..

while casual sex requires to have as little or none of it as possible unless it helps you get your horniness going... anyway i hope i've ["i've" instead "i can"] explain all the reasons why I'm against casual sex (because i know i'm right about something]..

unless of course maybe the reason for having casual is part of a tatic to catch a bad guy (and ur love or dreams are not really broken or sumtin) or if u're really in love ..and

so if sex is ur gf and you both really love each other and i dunno like her parents are psycho over protective dummies -.- lol maybe they wont let you get married then yeah ? So if you both really love each other ..go ahead and make that sexual Romeo an Juliette scene lol? but casual sex doesnt include real love unless you do fall in love i guess but then it's not exactly casual.."

sorry for the mistakes.. -.- i would edit my messages but i dont see a way

xknightlight said...

i know real sex is very "tasty" and like one wouldnt want it any less wonderful.. and the whole thing about enjoying your feminine grace...O.o you dont exactly need to enjoy it i mean if the world didnt have advertisments and women and girls who show off and use their" feminine grace" and enjoy it so much.. you wouldnt feel like u'd have to use it or enjoy it like everyone else..

it's alot like how you feel like judging urself becuz others are judging you for the whole casual sex decision...
so dont you think the need for enjoying ur "feminine grace" is becuz others are doing the same thing?

and "Accepting yourself as a a woman"? i know the need for feeling accepted or at least to accept yourself is necessary so that you dont go crazy or not enjoy life or something but you just cant accept the things that are bad.. we cant have people accept these things because it will bring about more openess for weaknesses instead of having people find the strength they need...

the same strength that helped bring the peace and inventions into this world -.-

this whole casual sex is a subconscious problem too :\ and it's hard to change i kno becuz i tried to go against everything my mind was set for...thats why it's bad to spread this type of attitude and idea about casual sex... once it grows it could stays with you for the rest of your life -.- unless you know how to fight ur subconscious and built new chains of thoughts and other ways control your mind -.- anyway
i fear i might start to become wrong about something -.- so im goign to stop nowz...

susan said...

casual sex to me is a oxymoron. don't get it never will.

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