My soul apparently has some really hard lessons to learn in this life, and I suppose this is one of those moments when, it is getting to me, and I am having a hard time putting on that “happy mask”.
I don’t understand why every lesson I have to learn; and it seems that the older I get, the harder and more dramatic the lessons are, that are thrown at me.
It seems the last couple of years that karma has chosen to dish me up, a platter of no good rotten experiences. I have become the drama magnet. Not by choice, but once again, I keep finding myself in all the wrong places, at all the wrong times. A little too late, and it appears, way too soon, but always naively, right in the middle of the heart of the matter.
I so hate singing the blues. I so hate the feeling of despair and desperation.
I have found myself at yet another crossroads in life. The biggest one I have faced so far…I think. Restrictions are not much fun, but it appears that they are sometimes necessary, and helpful in teaching us, to value and appreciate something…always a day late.
It seems that I have found myself stripped of most everything that means anything to me. I have been stripped before…but not quite as naked as I find myself this time, and I am so much older now. Just how many times do I need to start over…before I get it right?
It seems that every time I don’t learn each lesson, just right, the way the Universe has decided that I am supposed to learn it. The lesson comes harder, stronger, and more painful, for me to conquer the next time.
I sit here reflecting on all that has passed, all that has been lost, and all that I yearn to regain or receive, and all that I wish to let go.
I find myself pondering Karma and it’s implications.
How is it that I find myself here in this place at this moment?
Why is it that karma has dealt me this fate, this destination?
I have always tried to live by love and not hate…to act with patience towards others, but not always so well towards myself. I have always tried to do the best that I could at every turn along the way, and keep a smile on my face through all of the trials. To have my moments of self pity, and grovel in my shortcomings, for a day or two, and then start planning and pursuing my escape, like Batman and Robin, or McGiver, wiggling my way back into victory, against all odds.
But the villains keep getting stronger and more cunning, as the years go by. Somehow, I always thought it was supposed to be the other way around. Somewhere, somehow, I seem to have missed something along the way…some major, life altering, sign. As hard as I look, apparently, I have always missed placed my glasses, at just that crucial moment, when it would have made all the difference.
On more than one occasion, I’ve tried to pick myself up, and faced the world with head held high even in those times, and especially in those times, when others have publicly put me down, and told lies about me, in an attempt to cover up, both to themselves, and to their peers, the wrongs that they have done. I have then sat back, with closed lip, and watched while their own hate and deceit, brought them to a face of justice. Then I have chosen to walk away and forgive those things they have done, to intentionally bring pain to me and others.
I’m not claiming that I haven’t made mistakes. I have made many. I have always tried to correct the ones that I made, and learn from them. I’m not always sure that I have found the correct lesson out of them all, but I have always reached and searched for it, and then I have worked to forgive myself and others for the choices that have been made, and take those lessons I have learned, and do it better the next time around…if given that chance.
Where is the rainbow I seek, to signify that the storm has ended, and the sun is beginning to appear through the dark clouds, and the bolts of lightning, and the cracks of thunder have subsided?
They say we keep making the same mistake over and over until the lesson is learned.
What is it that I have failed to learn so badly, that fate or karma has chosen to take away the love of my life, the profession that has sustained me my whole life, and a place that I can call home? Why is it that I find myself here, stripped naked…forced to look upon myself in this way?
What is the Universe trying to show me and teach me?
Where is it, that destiny is trying to lead me to?