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Monday, August 18, 2008

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

We all get tired. I know I am tired. Tired of playing the games that people like to play. As much as I try to fool myself into believing that I have weeded those people out of my life, new ones always manage to appear. Or the same ones keep re-appearing, and I find it hard to hurt them with the boundaries that I want, need, and have to build. Sometimes I am the one who feels the hurt, when I have to move away from those that don’t value and respect me, the way that I know that I deserve.

I have experienced so many unpleasant personal relationships, both friends and lovers, in my life, and I am a loner. I choose so very carefully who I allow to get close to me and my heart, but somehow, someway, they still end up creeping, and fooling their way into my life. Usually through someone that I have trusted so dearly, and they bring this person into my life that is hell-bent on hurting, destroying, and stealing my strength from me.

I know in my heart that it is my own choices, beliefs and perceptions that are drawing them to me, but when you are so choosy and careful about who you let into your sphere, it’s hard to understand what I am doing wrong. Deep in my heart I know they are there to teach me something, but sometimes those lessons are so hard and painful to learn. Especially when you are working so diligently at keeping those lessons at bay.

If you think this article is about explaining what is wrong, and telling you how to fix it, you are so very wrong. I have no true answers. I can study and research till the cows come home, and I have come to the conclusion that I will never truly have all the answers. We are all of us, forever, and always learning.

Scientists study, run test, after test, and then put their heads together and ask more questions, and then they run more studies and more tests, to see if they can disclaim, or pronounce a determination. Not to say that I won’t write about what they have determined, but…psychologists have to keep continually running studies, or do, because another scientist comes along and disagrees, or desires to make the conclusion more well-defined. How is it that the mere human is supposed to get it right? They are the supposed professional with all the formal education in the area of the mind, and they can’t even agree. So how can I possibly know the right path, or behavior to follow? I can only and forever, follow my heart. For that is where I will truly find my destiny.

I am just a mere human woman.

I can tell you how I feel. I can tell you what I have been through, and how I dealt with each mountain that has been thrown my way, and if you have read all of my articles, then you have just a mere glimpse, of what I have been brave, and vulnerable enough to reveal, under my vials of anonym ability. I can tell you what I have tried and done in my life that did, and did not work. I can tell you what I strive for. I can tell you when I doubted myself, and when I didn’t, and where those instances led me. I can tell you that no matter what, I am still striving. No matter what downfalls I have had, or will come face to face with in the future…I will always and forever keep striving. And no matter what anyone throws as me, and the more you throw, the more I strive; so keep on throwing, because you are not hurting me. You are helping me.

Every time you throw a boulder in my pathway, you force me to come up with a way to work my way around it. You help me to grow just a little, or a lot bit stronger. Because I will never, I mean never quit! I may be down for a day or two. I may wailer in my self-pity for a very short time…until I am sick of myself…and then I will get back up, stronger, and mightier, and more determined than before. I will not allow you, or me, or my choices, and mistakes, to destroy me. Only use them to make me wiser.

I will take what you have thrown, and I will contemplate on it, until I have found a way to mold it into strength, and a victory.

The Chariot


The Chariot is the representation of Victory and the personality traits required to attain victory. The Chariot indicates self-awareness and control. Courage—the ability to overcome fear and confront the unknown head on--is a primary ingredient of any victorious campaign and is denoted by the Chariot. So too is force of will. Often success is as much the product of will power and a refusal to surrender as it is anything else. The Chariot also represents the healthy personality of someone who believes in themselves; someone who can take control of the situation and bring events to a positive end. His successes come in competition with others.






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2 Love note(s):

G8rBryan said...

Very nice post. I enjoyed reading it. Never giving up is the key.
Remember this, Every one that has broken the home run record in baseball also has the most strike outs as well. Never give up...never.

confused said...

we are similar in some ways I to have been a loner all my life and st4ruggle with the same questions a time or two..follow your heart is the best advice I can give

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