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Monday, July 13, 2009

Balance of Power Among Equals

For everything, there must be balance. Giving and receiving; when the balance begins to go off kilter, then the foundation begins to wobble.

I went out with a group of friends the other night and was watching a couple dancing to one of the fast dances. They used a large part of the floor because they were displaying a push/pull type display that is very real in our lives. She would move away from him and create a large gap, and he would maintain his distance. She would then kind of hang in one spot giving up her retreat, while he slowly made his way toward her direction, then the dynamic would switch and she would move toward him, meeting him half way, and he would then change his energy and he would begin his retreat. She would maintain her distance dancing around him, but hanging back, until he moved back toward her. She displayed her hips, and moved gracefully, he kept his hands in his pockets, displaying his chest, and drawing attention to his manhood. Back and forth they went with their dance. I had to smile to myself how they were displaying a very real ritual we play with the people we are pursuing, and in a relationship with. It continues on.

Power and balance are both very real and prevailing force in our lives. Even before we learn to walk, children begin to start testing and vying for power with their parents. I amusingly recall my son sitting in his highchair intentionally dropping a toy on the floor to test how many times I would retrieve it for him, for example, or even crying and throwing a fit, in an attempt to get his own way, or in an attempt to get attention.

Every relationship, or budding relationship goes through the dance of ‘power play’, and the ebb and flow of balance. One person will move forward pursuing, while the other steps, or hangs back creating a space and a vacuum succulently attracting the other person toward them. Sometimes the tables turn, and the pursuer sometimes steps back creating the space for the other to move forward, but by hanging back, causes the first to return, or they become the pursuer, which has to happen sometimes for there to be both giving and receiving. In relationships, we need to become familiar and sensitive to that ebb and flow. When one stops dancing, then the song and dance is over.

It is the woman’s task to retreat when the man becomes defensive, and move toward them when they are giving in, adjusting equally to their moods. Women have somehow, mistakenly, been given the impression that this is giving all the control to the man, when, in actuality, she is the one in complete control. If she comes toward him, or argues with him when he is defensive or picks a fight, she is then taking on the masculine energy with him, and is competing against him. Men compete with other men, and cannot cherish other men. So, when a woman begins competing with her man, he will therefore, treat her as another man.

Rejection plays a powerful role and has a powerful force in our lives. We do not like being or feeling rejection, and it is the shear terror of rejection that keeps the dance going.

You see this all the time, and why men have come up with the three day rule regarding calling after a first date. They pursue the woman for a date, she has a date with them, becomes interested, and then poof, no call, so the woman becomes anxious, she feels the anxiety of rejection, and many times will call him, text him, SMS him. Or possibly she waits, if she listens to the advice of most, and he calls. Because she felt that anxiety of rejection, she is relieved, and much more attracted to him than she was in the first place. If he doesn’t ever call, she is left with the feeling of rejection, but so many times, she still gives energy toward him and gives him more power, by running everything over and over in her mind attempting to figure out what is wrong with her, or what she did wrong. She perceives these feelings as a sign of how much she likes this man when, in truth, those feelings are revolving more around her own feelings of rejection by this man.

Today with feminism going strong, women want to be equals in the relationship, and they are. They just bring equal but different strengths and energies into the relationship, just the same as lighting and thunder have always been together, two forces existing side-by-side. Even though both are stable in and of itself, they not only co-exist, they require each other, and build upon each other, as an integrated whole.

Men and woman are different in many ways, but in this case I want to talk about the difference in energy that they bring to the table. Even though both men and women hold within themselves both masculine and feminine energy, men are much more masculine, and women are much more feminine. Men are the head, woman are the heart. We are different, because those differences are supposed to intermingle to create a whole. Men work on logic, women work on emotions. Not only are we raised that way, but our brain makeup is built that way. We were created to compliment, not compete against each other.

Once we women learn to, not only except, but to also embrace these differences, and learn to adapt or re-adapt to them, our lives and relationships with men will begin to change. If each partner is to be satisfied and fulfilled in the relationship, both need to be able to be allowed to bring their equal, but unique characteristics to the table. Just the same way, in which partners in a business bring different strengths and talents to the partnership and business. If both partners brought the same thing to the partnership, there would be no need for them to come together, they don’t need each other.

Men are so afraid that their women will not, or do not respect them, and they need a woman’s respect. Whereas, women are afraid that men try to rule over them, and they are able to rule themselves, however, they want to be cherished. Women can’t have it both ways, it knocks the balance off kilter. If both parties are bringing the masculine energy to the table, the balance of power is going all one way, and they are no longer complimenting each other, but rather competing. A man cannot cherish something that is just like him, or competing with him. He can only cherish what he is missing within himself.

Without a woman in his life, a man has a hard time accessing his feelings, and he admires women for that ability. It causes them to become curious, and gives women the air of mysticism. Curiosity and mysticism are at the heart of seduction, and attraction. When a woman chases a man, he is taking (or more likely rejecting), and she is relinquishing her power to him, and the power goes off balance. When a man retreats to his cave, and a woman goes to him vying for his attention, she is chasing him. However, if she maintains her distance, he becomes curious. Where is she? He feels the vacuum. If he doesn’t, then he doesn’t treasure and cherish her, and she should look for someone who does.

A powerful woman waits for her man to come to her, and expects to be cherished and treasured, she does not beg for it. Then she is receptive, if she so chooses, when he comes. Never underestimate the power of creating a space with someone. A vacuum is created, a curiosity mounts, rejection is felt.

For a relationship to work between two people, both need to give, and to receive. So many women have a fear of appearing needy, especially since they are always being told that being needy, or appearing to be needy, will drive men running for the hills, and the death of a relationship. Because of this fear, many times, in an attempt not to appear needy, they don’t voice their needs. As stated above, instead they keep quiet, usually throw a hint here, and a hint there, then when the hint isn’t picked up on, like another woman would do, they start feeling resentment because they are giving more than they are receiving, and eventually explode. Instead of expressing what their needs are, now they are blaming the other person for not meeting them. Now they appear needy, the very thing they feared all along.

Not only do you have to be able to give others love, you have to also be equally able to receive love. The same applies to giving and receiving as far as your needs being met. You also need to have your needs met, as well as attempt to fulfill the other person’s needs.

I personally, know that I am a giver, and I find it hard to receive. I have this nagging feeling that I am taking something I shouldn’t be, and I have to work very hard at receiving. In my case, I am out of balance with myself. If I am out of balance with myself, then it will be very easy for me to unknowingly create an imbalance in my relationships. You also have to give to yourself, as much as you are giving to others, or your balance if off. Then because you caused your own balance to be off, by giving to others more than to yourself, we have this tendency to blame them, for our own creation.

In the same way that you become resentful if you feel you are giving more than your partner, your partner can also become resentful if you are unable, or unwilling to receive what they need to give. In both cases, rejection is felt. Whenever resentment is felt by either person, you can bet that the culprit is the balance is off.

A man will also perceive your over giving more than he is giving to you, or you are allowing him to give to you, as competition. In persuasion and influence many salesmen, and advertising campaigns use the law of reciprocity. The law of reciprocity states that for every positive or negative action we in turn respond, and/or feel obligated to return. In the case of salesmen and advertising, they give you a free gift, that you get to keep no matter whether or not you choose to buy or not. When they give you this gift, you feel more obligated to buy, to give something back. Well, this also comes into play in not receiving. If you do not allow others to give to you, they feel resentment, because you are not allowing them the luxury of reciprocity. You are therefore competing.

Also, nothing makes a man happier or more powerful than making his woman happy. If you don’t receive what he is trying to give you, he will eventually give up, and feel that he is unable to please you, and go hunting for someone that he can please.

If you feel unable to express your needs, it is due to not trusting. You have to be able to trust yourself, if you are going to trust another. Therefore, you must be able to trust both, and with that trust you will be able to show vulnerability, and express what your needs are. No one will be able to correctly give you what you need, if they don’t know what they are. Unless, of course, they have the same need, in which case you are receiving it back, because we have a tendency to love others, the way we want to be loved.

Access a deep trust for yourself and another, and all the love in the universe will be yours.


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35 Love note(s):

Mikko Kemppe said...

Very nice article and a lot of good advice. And as a dancer I love your picture :) and analogy of relationships being like I dance. I agree.


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I like that idea, balance. Thanks for the thought!

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At times couples are squabbing over money matters and their relationships affects
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my friend to get rid of this and i did ...

i thought the same way as you did a few months back when i and my partner had some issues on money matters and our relationship seemed like it is gonna sink and i went into depression and only on one day my friend made me realize how i
could overcome my issue with this.
And it worked for me and now, we are a happily living couple.
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