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Monday, June 29, 2009

The Love Triangle - The Ugly Side of Human Nature

This is one of a series of articles that talks about seduction, and how we can fall prey to its grasp. Some of these tactics and games have the powerful ability to cause immense emotional torment and anguish to the player(s), if used when you are already in a relationship, or used for the thrill. It is not the intention of these articles to teach you how to use these tactics, but rather to inform you, so you can guard and protect yourself against them.

The Ugly Side of Human Nature, and the Games People Play in the Name of Love

Have you ever seen Online dating profiles where the profile picture displays the person with several people of the opposite sex? How about this same concept used in advertisements? It is a very common and powerful concept used to create desire, and value.

We can endure feeling that another person has more talent, or more money, but the sense that a rival is more desirable than we are—that is unbearable. Robert Greene, The Art of Seduction.

In every relationship the parties are looking for value in the other person. Seems crude, and sometimes unfair maybe, but it is still one of the ways of human nature. We look for value in everything. Whether we like it or not, and if you look at it honestly, almost always our desire for another person involves social situations, and we are attracted to those who are attractive to other’s. This powerful impression makes you more attractive to other, than a perfect face and body ever could. It also falls under the concept of “social confirmation.” It is one of the reasons why “the other woman/other man” find their married target so irresistible.

Some slithering snake in the grasses will use this to their advantage to create desire in others, and one the most effective ways they use this is to create a triangle. There are also many, both men and women, who don’t give it a second thought to try and attract your partner, and try to steal them away. In fact, many savor the thought of boosting their own ego’s by becoming the victor, in this nasty little game. Win, is the operative word here, and it all revolves around downright vanity and greed. Love has nothing to do with it.

This is a game of win and lose, which unleashes a powerful force amongst the players, fueled by competition, greed, vanity, ego, control, desire, insecurity, fear, jealousy, and envy.

After reflection (but we admit rarely this fact), we envy first the one who possesses the object (this last one having finally a minor importance). And, in certain cases, we would feel more satisfaction in the fact than the Other does not possess the object, rather than to have it ourselves. Publicity, this hymn to the possession of objects, gives us to desire, not a product in its objective qualities but some people, Others, who desire this product or who seem gratified with its possession (1). Rene Girard

The other person(s) who desires the one(s) who are already taken, are asking themselves “What is it about you (the one who possesses their object of desire) that you should have the happiness that deludes me”? They can become just as obsessed over the person that they are stealing the lover from, as they do the object of their desire.

I had this technique used on me; however, in my case it ended in disaster, and a lot of pain. It may work, but be forwarded, when you play with other people’s emotions, especially the person who is your partner in life, you will get burned, and just like fire, the scars can last a lifetime.

Here’s my story;

When I met Casanova (not his real name, obviously), we spent months talking about everything including our dreams, goals, etc., before we ever went out on our first date. I knew he had many female friends, and kept in contact with former lovers. I met those friends (except the lovers) as he and I became more and more involved, and they showed me and our relationship respect. I never gave them a second thought.

Casanova and I bought a house in another town and moved there to start the beginning of “growing old together”. Like all “fairy tales”, we had visions, and the shared dream of helping each other to our rocking chairs carefully placed on our front porch. We had no idea what evil trials and tribulations our young budding union was about to be tested with.

We used to stop by several of the local bars after work, as a transition from the workday and our night at home, and as a way to meet people and learn about the area. Our relationship grew, and I thought was becoming stronger and stronger.

Little did I know that one of the sleaziest, aggressive bartenders in the area, I’m going to call Bulldog, had her sights on him, and made it very well known to him. No one, not him or our friends, ever bothered to fill me in on those details…until way, way too late. I could sense her interest, but set it aside. I knew what a great catch, and how handsome he was. I had told him once that others would try to come between us. That some people have so much envy for two people that are obviously in love, that they will do anything to destroy their union. He and I thought our love and bond was strong enough to overcome that possibility…until…

Moving to a town away from my ex-husband who was hell bent on causing as much turmoil and undermining all efforts with my son and my relationship with Casanova as possible, and in hopes of limiting outside conflict and interference, and also to be closer to work, did nothing to escape the mighty force that was determined to follow.

Casanova and I got hit with several large unexpected expenses, which came from some things that revolved around my past marriage. I hated and was ashamed that those things ended up being brought within our union, and it hurt us greatly financially. My guilt consumed me, and I worked many long hours to try and make up for the loss, which only interfered with our relationship. I believed I was doing the best thing for us, but only hurt us more. The guilt I felt was tremendous.

My son, a minor at the time, had chosen to go and live with his father rather than come with us, but trouble was brewing, churning and boiling under the surface. To make a long story short my son, a minor at the time lost that home and a home he set up for himself, and called me for help. My responsibility as a Mother consumed me, and I asked Casanova before accepting the request, to which he agreed. The added stress to our bond, and the growing guilt I had for my past, and it’s chaotic and infinite drama we tried to escape, but relentlessly stuck to us like glue, caused us to begin our decent into deepest, darkest depths of Hell.

Both my ex-husband and my son ended up causing a major fight at our home, which ended with the Police being called. My guilt enveloped my every cell at this point. Lets face it, my heart was wrapped up in the chains of guilt. I had no idea until much, much later that Casanova interpreted my guilt as anger and resentment toward him, and his guilt at believing he was the cause, and I blamed him for coming between my son and I. This could not have been farthest from the truth, but we were blind to what was hidden in each of our minds. We allowed our guilt to come between us, and honest vulnerable communication.

He went to Bulldog for solace, and advice from a Mother, and a lie soon followed. One lie grew and grew into a mountain that forged its way between us. She was given the very opportunity she had been working, and waiting for, and the tactics she had been perfecting, were about to be unleashed with wild abandon. The more her interference interfered, the more I became distressed, untrusting, and pulled away, which snowballed, and caused Casanova to pursue her wiles all the more.

She played her part well.

A perfectly satisfied person cannot be seduced. Tension and disharmony must be instilled in your targets' minds. Stir within them feelings of discontent, an unhappiness with their
circumstances and with themselves: their life lacks adventure, they have strayed from the ideals of their youth, they have become boring. The feelings of inadequacy that you create will give you space to insinuate yourself, to make them see you as the answer to their problems. Pain and anxiety are the proper precursors to pleasure. Learn to manufacture the need that you can fill. Robert Greene, The Art of Seduction.

He not only encouraged and nurtured her involvement in the middle of our relationship, defending her to the end, but he began calling and receiving calls from an ex, the one and only one I had the displeasure of meeting, and put a profile on an Online dating site, all the while proclaiming that I was the woman that he wanted, and wanted to spend the rest of his life with. The more I pulled away, the more other women he tried to surround himself with. I could not understand, or accept that we was not protecting both me and our relationship, and chose to walk away. We destroyed each other with our fears.

He once made the confession that he didn’t feel I wanted him, which was farthest from the truth, and he wanted to show me that if I didn’t want him, someone else did.

What made it even more powerful, was because she was the opposite of me. Her only ambition was to continue her bartending career, and finding a man to support her, while seducing them with free easy sex.

This woman to this day is obsessed with me, and even though their relationship fell apart at the seams, and I am no where around, I still get nesting calls from her. She is obsessed with him, but she was after my man, which she got for a short time, my home, and becoming me, which she could never accomplish, and she loathes me for being what she can never be. She continually goes to him now and then informing him of everything she has done for him, and how he has used her, but the biggest thing she can't understand, and won't let go, is because he has never let me go in his heart, so she continually asks the question, "Why her, and not me." And not only is she obsessed with me and with him, but she is more obsessed with winning.

There is so much more to the story that as my heart will allow, I will more than likely share, but for now, I will leave you with this…

Desire is both imitative (we like what others like) and competitive (we want to take away from others what they have). As children, we wanted to monopolize the attention of a parent, to draw it away from other siblings. This sense of rivalry pervades human desire, repeating throughout our lives. Make people compete for your attention, make them see you as sought after by everyone else. The aura of desirability will envelop you. Robert Greene, The Art of Seduction

The moral of the story:

• You must always remember that open, honest and vulnerable communication must always be nourished, long before our insecurities, and resentments have a chance to develop a seed of destruction, and bitterness. Honesty, and vulnerability are the key to intimacy.
• We must always be careful to keep our dirty laundry hidden from others, because not everyone, and better described as most others, do not have our best interests at heart. It’s human nature to put our own agenda first. Even those who offer well-intentioned assistance can be detrimental to you and your relationship.
• Using manipulation and control may work for awhile, but it will destroy trust, and love, and creates anger, pain, fear, resentment, etc. There always is a winner and a loser when sports are being played, or you both may lose.
• That which is undefended is vulnerable, and betrayal leads to only to destruction and heartache.
• Human nature is not always pretty.
• The other man/woman will never feel remorse, but in fact only feel resentment and jealousy for the one the game is being played on. They want what you have that they do not have, and their driving force winning, not love.
• You must always be on the guard for protecting your partner, and relationship from would be saboteurs and thieves. You are partners, a team, and no one should ever be allowed to come between.

If you want to use this tactic as a means of creating the perception of value for yourself with someone that you are not in a relationship with, but desire one, or you have been dumped, by all means. We all wish to display and peacock our value. But if you are only on the quest of a one night stand, it is a wasted value that is not needed.

Most of all, if you are in a relationship, this tactic is malicious if you use member(s) of the opposite sex to create it, and will destroy trust. Members of the opposite sex are not needed for the subconscious effect. Trust is the main ingredient that all partnerships require, and if you choose to destroy and betray that trust, you have made the choice to destroy that foundation, and the partnership will disintegrate. It's only a matter of time.

If you are aspiring to plant a seed of jealousy in your partner, in hopes of bringing them closer to you, you are better of making them jealous of time spend with a hobby or passion of yours, rather than risk the foundation of your partnership.

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16 Love note(s):

Shadow said...

no! no! no! way too complicated. i do NOT have time for games like these...

regaining my dignity - searchingwithin said...

I agree! Having been the one who these games were played on, I know all too well what it does to your heart and soul. But, be forewarned, people do use this tactic often, and hopefully, if we know what is happening, and why it is unfolding the way it is, we can save ourselves from the pain we are going through.

I know had I know at the time what was really happening, things would have unfolded MUCH differently than they did.

Melissa said...

Nice post!

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honesty is the only thing that world demands for and really like in everything and person. thanks for reminding in this pattern

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It's tough being in a situation where you know that someone is going to eventually get their heart broken.


I love the message you posted about relatiobships, but you come of a little arrogant at times especially when you were describing the bartender and that she would never be you or reach your accomplishments.. i was with you till the end of the story because you can not decide what someone is capable of doing or being, people can change and accomplish things far greater then you expect. Saying she is obsessed with you and that she will never be you just seems a little arrogant and does not make you sound good. If you are still in Casanova's heart then he should be back with you.. i just felt like you were putting all the blame on the bartender who stole your man away with her plots and schemes, there is always two sides to a story. Besides all that i found the highlighted text portion helpful.

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