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Saturday, May 3, 2008

Into the Vortex - An Innocent Mistake

One of the major contributors to the demise of my 21 year marriage, which was heading down the road of destruction from day one, was drinking and alcoholism; but some lessons are hard learned and need to be repeated, or so they say according to the law of the Universe.

I am still searching for all the answers to the end of my last relationship, which started with so very much promise and happiness, on both parts. We talked about everything when we met; sharing our opinions, beliefs, hardships, dreams…We found that we had so many things in common, and started to build a life together. We were surrounded by the glow of two like souls; that found each other after a life long search…two souls finding their way together; with the help and support of the other. Heads turned everywhere we went. They could not help but see that glow and magic, busy at work. Some happy to see a couple in love, and others with envy, for what we had, that they longed for.

We began building our life together in search of a home closer to work, so filled with the excitement of starting our new world, and life together…our new home, where we were going to grow old together. The home where we would be helping each other, in our aging years, to our rocking chairs, carefully placed on the front porch...always to be there, in support and companionship of the other.

When we moved into our new home in this new town; we were filled with the excitement of finding our way around, exploring all the places, and people that made up this town we had just become a part of.

We started to stop in at a couple of the local bars in town close to home, in hopes of meeting new people, and discovering all of the makings of our new environment. Possibly a place to meet, now and then, to split up the transition from leaving work, and the stresses of the day behind; before heading to the comfort and warmth of home. My partner and I love to dance, and we took great pleasure and joy, in watching and listening to the people that were singing Karaoke, as we merrily sang along. We were meeting new people; and we were enjoying trying to figure out, what made them who they were. But we were consciously oblivious, to the gradual vortex we were being sucked into…filled with deception, gossip, dis-trust, and dis-ease.

An innocent mistake…which started out as an exploration…little did we consciously know…was the beginning of the end.

I knew it in the back of my mind, as a part of me was always filled with this eerie dread, each time we headed to some of those places…always staying a little longer than the time before. I had lived this once before. It consisted of different faces and places, but the basic plot, and the inevitable final, “The End”, was the same.

It doesn’t matter whether you are going to a bar, or at church; there are people out there that hate to see others happy and in love. Lets just face it, some people are just so plain miserable and unhappy with themselves; that they will do anything in their power to destroy, or steal other people’s happiness. They are jealous, and lust for what you have…that they do not.

So they start slowly, but surely devising, and developing their plan to fix this problem. They begin, at first appearing innocent, as they put their plan into action…undetected. Watching and lurking in the shadows, anxiously awaiting the predictable, one small slip up, or sign of distress. They don’t pounce immediately. They sneak up slowly, like a snake stalking its prey…watching, listening, and putting in a remark here, a distortion innocently uttered there. Always over eager to lend their support, and always willing to be right there, to lend a friendly shoulder to lean on…busy at work planting the seed.

The bar is the perfect place for this whole scenario; it’s a community within a community. You have the people, like my partner and I, who are looking to have a night out, and a chance of meeting the locals. You have the people going there to have a fun night out with the guys, or gals; or a few drinks with their friends or buddies to watch the football game. There are many there to escape their stress, and unhappiness in their lives. Many live their lives, day after day, spending every free moment living in the bar; happily spending their life with others…that are just as unhappy as they are. Many of them are looking and hoping for that person; that will come along who will feel sorry for them, and give them a shoulder to cry on; or better yet…use them. And to add a little punch, and a whole lot of spice; they are all drinking, which only serves to; distort, camouflage, and compound; the inevitable look at reality, and what haunts you from within. We all have to face ourselves in the end, if we are going to grow as a person; or die the slow miserable death…in an illusion and denial.

Every relationship has slip ups, and moments of distress. Those moments when you aren’t totally happy with one another; and sometimes you go looking for a place to think it all out, and to cool down and regroup. Sometimes you just want a true friend or family member, to talk it over with and vent a little; in hopes that they might see something that you may be overlooking, or lend a different perspective, that you might have missed…all with the intentions of going back, with a renewed freshness and vigor, to tackle the problem.

Herein, many times, lays our biggest mistake; especially when the person you end up going to for guidance, is filled with ulterior motives. Also, many times, the people outside of the relationship, has a distorted perception; due to the fact that they are your friend, or part of your family; and their inclination is to stand behind you, and support you in your time of need; compounded by the fact, that they are only hearing one side and perspective…of the two sided problem.

But back to our stalking snake; who has been busy, gradually slithering their way into your sphere of friends and acquaintances. Busy at work gathering inside information…lurking …watching…and waiting…, for just such an occurrence. They smoothing slither into the seat beside you, sensing so keenly that you are looking for comfort, and they start busying themselves with…planting a guiltless seed of doubt in your mind as to the validity of your relationship and love for your partner, or theirs for you. Gladly filling your head with how right you are, and how terribly wrong and misunderstanding your partner is, and leading you to believe how they understand you so much better. That coupled with a few drinks, maybe a few shots thrown in here or there, a laugh at your joke here, an “innocent” touch of encouragement there; and you are slowing drifting toward that whirlpool filled with, deception, gossip, dis-trust, and dis-ease.

Soon, without even realizing it, or out of your conscious attempt to deny it to yourself; this person starts tending, and watering, and fertilizing; the seed they have just so strategically and successfully planted in your mind.

Maybe you go home and don’t tell your partner about it; or you lie about it completely. Maybe you tell them and then play it down; after all, they are only “just a friend”. Or your partner becomes unhappy with the fact; that you have just betrayed a trust, by disclosing to them the intimate details of your lives…

Your new found “friend” now calls you up to make sure everything is “okay” with you, or meanders their way over to your side…out of concern, of course. They have planted and now watered the seed; and they start spreading a tiny rumor here, an accusation there; and the bar, this little community within a community; starts whispering amongst each other behind the scenes, and you and your partner’s back…and the fertilizer has just been neatly spread.

Just a little more water added; and you both have just been sucked down; completely and totally, without escape…into the vortex…

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