One of the most important components of life is connecting with others. It is a powerfully driven human need. Without it, there is no purpose. No need for love to exist.
I have stated before that we were conceived through the most profound connection between two people. We are then connected to our mothers through her womb, and from the moment we are physically disconnected from her at birth, we spend the rest of our lives trying to reconnect. How we go about recreating that connection with others, becomes the story of our lives.
When we are born, we are an open vessel, soaking in everything around us, listening, watching, and learning. Throughout our lives, others do to us, and we do unto to others, things that hurt. Whether any of us do it intentionally or not, really has little bearing on how it affects us. It doesn’t matter if it hurts emotionally or physically, when we have been hurt or we hurt others, we store that pain deep within our minds and hearts, and then set about busying ourselves at burying it as deep as we can…out of site out of mind. Although, some of us first set about doing anything and everything we can to hurt the person that caused us that pain, out of a sense of fair-play, of course, before tucking it away, only leaving us with more baggage to bury.
Either way, it brews into this horrible, smelly, unsightly bile of anger, resentment and pain, which proceeds to quietly eat away at our soul and bodies, making us sick undetected…for a time, but it is always, quietly influencing every aspect of our lives.
So many people hold on to guilt, resentment and anger as if their life depended on it. As if they are getting back at the other person, or as an attempt to build a wall from the pain. The reality is, your are not getting back at the other person, neither are you building a wall against the pain, you are only prolonging the pain, and until you go inside and clean up house, you will continue to attract the same people with different faces, and the same like situations into your life. They keep coming back for a reason.
Emotions are more powerful than our willpower, and they control most every aspect of our lives. Every negative emotion comes from our subconscious, and was born through an experience in our past, which caused us pain. Our thoughts are also a powerful thing, and create our present and future. Our emotions feed our thoughts, and our thoughts bring about our actions, and what we say or do, has an even more powerful affect on our wellbeing, than our thoughts alone.
Quotes by: Steven Carter, author of several books.“Whenever we get close to someone, we open up all our past wounds.”
“Sometimes we just can’t go forward without looking first in the rearview mirror.”
“Safe partners are the ones who never give you what you say you want.”
The only way to get rid of destructive emotional pain, and past wounds, is to go deep within…you. Start pulling those past hurts and wounds out into the forefront, and work to get rid of them. You have to learn to forgive. You have to learn to forgive yourself, and you have to learn to forgive others. Forgiving is not saying that what happened was right. Forgiveness is saying that you take responsibility for yourself, your emotions, and your reactions. You are not doing it for them, you are doing it for you. Forgiveness says, you are ready to heal yourself. Forgiveness says, you are ready to love and take care of yourself. Forgiveness says, you choose to no longer allow someone else power over you. Forgiveness says, you choose to no longer be a victim.
One method of healing your wounds is:
Step One – Forgiving Others
• Get a pad or notebook, and find a nice quiet, comfortable place where you can become totally relaxed.
• Draw a line down the middle to divide the paper into two columns.
• Put your name at the top of the left column, and at the top of the right column write your father’s name if you are a woman, and your mother’s name if you are a man.
• In the left column under your name, write “I now forgive, your father’s name, for all the hurt he has caused me”.
• In the right column write down the first painful thing that comes to your mind that he has done that caused you pain, or negative thing that comes to mind.
• Pray or meditate on it until you are able to feel forgiveness.
• Keep writing out the forgiveness message in the left column, and for each thing that comes to your mind for the right column.
• Keep doing this until you can’t think of anymore things.
NOTE: You will be surprised once you get started what will come to mind. You may be surprised how many things have become buried.
• When you are done with your father/mother, move on to your mother, then your brothers and sisters, teachers, all other men, all other women, whether they are living or dead. God, if you have become angry with him.
Step two – Repentance and forgiveness for yourself.
• Take a fresh piece of paper, and become as relaxed as you can
• Write “I your name have caused hurt and pain to these people”.
• Underneath that, divide the paper into two columns.
• Start with your parents as you did before, putting the person’s name in the left column, and what you did to hurt them in the right column.
• Go through every person, and every situation, like you did in step one.
• When you are done going through all the people, and you feel your conscience is totally clear, below your list write, “I your name, am deeply sorry and repent for all the hurt I have caused these people. From this moment forward, I will be as kind to them, as I am able. From this day forward, I will follow my conscience in the way I act toward others”.
• Desire for them to be blessed.
• Make a list for all the times you were unable to control your weaknesses.
Step three – Make positive emotional goals.
• Make a list of at least five emotional goals you want to achieve.
• Include inspiring messages on your list, such as; “I enjoy running one mile a day, three days a week”, or “I feel energetic and weigh (whatever your goal is)”. Write these messages as if the thing you desire has already happened.
• Read them every evening before you go to sleep, and each morning when you wake.
• Carry the list with you, and take a peek at it throughout the day.
• Every week review your list, and make any additions or subtractions.
If you can't go to the person and apologize then write a letter to them, even if you have no intentions of sending it. You can also write a letter to yourself from the other person, saying all the things that you need for them to apologize to you for, and when you read it, pretend in your mind that they are saying those things to you.
“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
~Lewis B. Smedes~