I find it so intriguing the way our minds work, and the games that we play with ourselves, problems we generate, and misery we create in our own lives, in the process. The people that you love, loved, and interact with do not create these things, we do. We all want to blame the “other guy”, which is just another one of those tricks we allow our minds to play on us.
If you have read my blog “Valley of the Subconscious,” you would know that unbeknownst to most people, our subconscious mind runs the show. We don’t recognize it, because we are not consciously aware of what it is up to. Our bodies usually tell us, through our gut feelings, reactions, triggers, etc., but we usually don’t listen.
I was reading an article over on Baggage Reclaim, a blog that I fell in love with recently, entitled, “Drama Seeking Triggers”, and found myself laughing my ass off. I was laughing, because I felt like I was reading about myself in the past, and sometimes fall back into in the present, if I don’t keep a close eye on my own behavior, and listen to my gut (intuition), and what my body is telling me.
She stated in her post:
Much of the behavior in dysfunctional relationships can end up continuing simply because it works on some level. It caters to everything that you believe about yourself, love, and relationships, hence whatever happens, it’s what you thought was gonna happen anyway, which is the self-fulfilling prophecy, which irrespective of how painful these experiences are, is actually comfortable. Yes, exhausting to read, I know! Now imagine living it!She is so right, and I am so guilty of this. We are all guilty of this on one level, or another. We all have fears, and fears will rule you, if you don’t take charge of them. I am guilty of this last quote with my last relationship. This man adored me, was willing to give everything for me, and it scared me so damn much, I created drama, to test him of course, and pushed him away, at the same time latching on for dear life. Deep down, I knew what I was doing; I just couldn’t seem to stop myself. But in the end, it gave me the perfect excuse for pointing my finger at him, and proclaiming, “I told you so.” I could play the victim, a role I had taught myself to play very well. I knew I was pushing him away further and further, but subconsciously, that is exactly what I needed to do to fulfill the prophecy.
Your Drama Seeking Trigger is that thing or that feeling that sets you off. Whatever your Drama Seeking behavior is rooted in, for example, abandonment by a parent, when you get into that zone of being afraid that you are going to be abandoned, it is because something about the situation is familiar, or your overriding fear plays out, and you act on it.
No matter what your Drama Seeking Triggers are, it all pretty much boils back down to FEAR.
In essence, you can pretty much end up having a relationship with your fear.
even if you did find a guy that did actually do all of these things, you are likely to question it because of your fears, hence, you could end up turning up the drama meter just to see what happens to the relationship and prove that your fears are founded. YOU GET TO BE RIGHT.
Needless to say, the relationship ended badly, with two people in excruciating pain, and more baggage than we started with. What it did do for me, however, was to cause me to go deep inside. I was in so much pain I couldn’t stand to be me, and I had to get it out. In some of her articles she mentions keeping a journal of your feelings, and what triggers them, as a way to learn about yourself. Out of my own instincts, that is exactly what I did. I carried it with me everywhere I went. It not only helped me say the things I needed to say to him, but couldn’t, and work through the unbearable feelings, without totally driving all my friends into hiding, it helped me to learn so much about myself. It was painful to see, and acknowledge.
Rather than to work through the pain, and learn from the pain, we all want to stuff in down deep where we don’t feel it, and/or drown it in a bottle or some other kind of addiction. But when we do that, we are just asking for it to keep coming back up and slapping us in the face at a later date. It clouds are judgment, beliefs, perceptions, relationships, choices, decisions, rationality, etc. It’s painful, I will not lie to you, but the place you come out to when you get to the other end, is so freeing. But you have to look inside, deep down inside yourself. Become acquainted with yourself. Learn to know yourself.
We spend so much of our lives trying to get to know other people and what makes them tick, but we never seem to stop and try to get to know, and understand the one person that matters the most.
Face the fear. Dare to meet the most wonderful person you will ever know…yourself.